Mark Ritson on branding: Volvo is chasing fool's gold

is the small problem that most of the movie takes place at sea.

I would love to have sat in on the blue-sky meeting in which the Volvo
marketing team came up with the idea of promoting a 21st century SUV
with an 18th century nautical swashbuckler.

I can imagine the room. Four people are sitting across from each other
studying the latest plans for the XC90. On the flip chart there is a
single question: what's the big idea for the Volvo XC90?

The clock is ticking. Suddenly, one of the marketers rises from her seat
with a look of triumph. She smiles at the rest of her team and says just
one word: 'Pirates'. High fives from everyone.

Even the most creative brand integration artist at Disney is going to
struggle to work the car into the movie in these circumstances. But this
is not really a problem for Disney. All it wants from Volvo is some
money and free publicity ahead of the launch of its film on 7 July.

The problem comes when the Volvo team tries to weave pirates seamlessly
into its campaign for the XC90. According to Anne Belec, president and
chief executive of Volvo in the US, 'We have taken our most treasured
vehicle, the Volvo XC90 V8 SUV, and married it to the pirate world. It
is the centrepiece of an elaborate campaign that we hope will not only
garner widespread participation from everyone who loves to search for
buried treasure, but also have the public at large think about Volvo in
an entirely different way.'

One of the most tragic things about a bad concept is that it spawns
increasingly inane and bizarre executions from that point on. For
example, Volvo has created a special one-off pirate-themed Volvo XC90
featuring black leather seats and custom painted 20-inch wheels (both
essential gear for most pirates).

Even better, Volvo has, wait for it, dug a big hole in the ground at a
mystery location and buried the car there.

One lucky customer can win this pirate-themed Volvo by responding to
various clues that will appear on the internet over the next four
weeks.

At this point in the campaign, Volvo is showing a TV ad in which its
brand-new SUV is locked in a box and buried in the ground.

Meanwhile, Volvo marketers are trying to stoke up media interest in the
contest with a series of increasingly desperate press releases.

'People are asking, "where in the world did you bury that Volvo?"' said
Volvo spokesperson Helen Gore. 'Can't tell you that, but here are a few
places we considered burying it but, for one reason or the other, just
found it unfeasible.'

One of the biggest myths in marketing is that there is no such thing as
a bad idea. Bollocks. There is almost nothing worse than a bad idea.

Just ask Volvo - it has had about 12 in the past few weeks and it still
has another month to go before this horrendously misjudged campaign
comes to a close.

30 SECONDS ON ... PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, due for release in the UK
on 6 July, is a follow-up to the 2003 summer blockbuster Pirates of the
Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

- Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley return to their roles
as Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann
respectively.

- Filming began in February 2005, using locations in Mexico, Dominica
and The Bahamas. It finished in February of this year.

- The movie premiered at Disneyland California on 24 June, two days
before the re-opening of the refurbished Pirates of the Caribbean
attraction.

- Global piracy increased slightly in the first quarter of 2006,
according to the IMB Piracy Reporting Centre. Reported attacks have
risen by about 8% since 2005. The number of reported piracy attacks in
the first three months of 2006 was 61, up from the 56 attacks recorded
for the same period of the previous year.