Middle East: An adman in Dubai

Single-minded propositions are invariably three paragraphs long ... The
Lebanese girls in agencies always wear their clothes two sizes too
small, to make sure they fit properly ... The worst deal in Dubai? Warm
Cristal champagne in the Bubble Lounge at Nad Al Sheba Races (at £350 a pop) ... Government censorship has lightened up since the time I
bought a book on childbirth and found all the line illustrations blacked
out in felt-tip ... Good TV producers are worth their weight in gold ...
The new creative who no one told you was joining is the boss' brother's
wife's cousin's nephew, who always thought advertising looked "fun" ...
Everyone who denies the existence of brown envelopes earns £1,000
a month and drives a Porsche ... "The brief should be ready by 5
o'clock. Oh, and we're pitching tomorrow. In Bahrain" ... Million-dollar
ad campaigns use the same royalty-free shots from Getty as everyone
else ... Billboards that go on, and on, and on for up to 300 metres and
don't say very much apart from "Here's an absolutely massive logo" ...
Every milk powder ad must feature a smiling, slightly overweight child
with adoring parents ... "They're seeing another 15 agencies, and they
want to see ten campaigns from each, above and below the line, before
they produce a shortlist for the boss to decide" ... You hear the same
voiceover in six radio spots in a row ... Property advertising features
an architect's impression and a line about living in luxury, but forgets
to mention price ... "Why do we have to pay to use Britney Spears'
music? She's rich!" ... The Lebanese advertising mafia is a myth: you
just have to come from Beirut to get a job ... A local sponsor may well
have wide-ranging business interests: no prizes for guessing where those
accounts go ... "Bukhra" is the Arabic equivalent of "manana', and is
just as irritating ... "It's a great concept, habibi, but will it work
in Arabic?"

- Tom Callaghan is the creative director at Expressions Dubai. He was
previously at Publicis Graphics.

HOW TO FAKE IT AS AN AD EXPERT IN THE MIDDLE EAST

- Must-have gadget

The old-school Nokia Communicator remains the adman's best friend, but
it faces stiff competition from the corporate toy de jour, the
BlackBerry, recently launched in the region.

- Adman of the moment

Not content with running The Holding Group (the parent company of Team
Y&R, Mediaedge:cia and the region's biggest PR firm, Asda'a) Lebanon's
Joseph Ghossoub is the world president of the International Advertising
Association.

- Most innovative media channel

Ambient. Attention-grabbing campaigns have included Saatchi & Saatchi's
hopscotch for La Vache Qui Rit cheese, and Starcom's clever work for
Hummer, which saw a vehicle placed inside the Ski Dubai indoor
slope.

- The car to drive

Driving here is a frenetic and frustrating experience, but no one messes
with you if you drive a Hummer. All hail the fuel-guzzling beast.

- Most feted ad

For sheer pushing-the-boundaries cheek, Lowe set tongues wagging with a
series of locker room towels for Axe deodorant.

- Where to schmooze your biggest client

Until the world's tallest building, Burj Dubai, is completed, you'll
have to make do with the stylish Vu's bar at the summit of the landmark
Emirates Towers. For al fresco sundowners, you can't get much better
than the Bahri Bar, which offers stunning views of the Burj al Arab and
the Persian Gulf.

- Best venue for celebrating an account win

Dubai's Barasti Bar is where the advertising community parties
on Thursday evenings. Despite its recent problems, Beirut remains a
party city par excellence, and the cool crowd can be found at Element
and Pacifico.

- How to dress, adland-style

Summer temperatures hit the 40s, so cool creatives wear jeans torn at
the knee, a Diesel T-shirt and designer shades. For client servicing,
light suits are made by tailors in the local souk.

- Hot ad-biz topic of the season

Staff poaching is the top watercooler chat. There simply isn't enough
talent to keep pace with the industry's rapid growth, so inter-agency
movement is rife.

- Must-attend events in the ad calendar

If you work in advertising, your name tends to get you into most
launches, but the must-attend events include the Campaign Middle East
Awards, the Cannes Lions-organised Dubai Lynx and Beirut's Mena Cristal
Awards.

- Least innovative media channel

Radio. The standard of advertising on the airwaves is ear-bleedingly
awful.