I note there are mixed opinions on proposals in today's Queen's Speech to restrict (or not restrict) the sale of alcohol, but I can't help feeling that our legislators have absolutely no idea of what goes down (quite literally) on the streets. The view that a few restrictions on sales promotion activities will solve society's booze-related ills can only be described as Rose Tinted (sorry I can't do the acute accent on Rose - but hopefully you get the bad joke). Just one example: a couple of weeks ago I went to the Hearts v Celtic game at Tynecastle. Well before kick-off hundreds of (mainly) visiting fans were thronging the small shopping arcades on the western approaches to the ground. People were almost falling over one another to get out of tiny crowded stores already clutching their bottles of Buckie to their lips. Others lined the sidewalks and shopfronts, singing, jeering and cheering (variously according to the colour of the passing objects of their attention), merrily getting merrier by the minute, and this well before noon. It didn't take Inspector Rebus and his breathalyser to know that most of this crowd were well over the limit, and - a fair few - well up for trouble. I can't say I saw any, but certainly this was a very public, and surely unacceptable, display of concerning and intimidating behaviour. Quite how banning bogofs and happy hours would impact here, I fail to understand.
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While I have to sympathise with Pret a Manger having become victims to the latest internet coupon hoax, I also had to smile that the media were ascribing the dirty work to an industry outsider on the grounds that the fake voucher contained a typo. Come off it - what planet are they on? I run whole training sessions lasting for hours with endless examples of typos, mis-speelings and grammatical errors as the subject matter. Our industry is jumping with them (for reasons that we all know). Far from proving this was the work of some mischievous schoolboy, if you ask me the presence of the typo is concrete evidence that a marketer had a hand in it.
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I note (via the ISP website) that Which? researchers claim to have discovered offers in M&S, Waitrose, Sainsbury and Tesco that allegedly broke the new government regulations on unfair commercial practices - these concern, for instance, the requirement for goods to have been on sale at advertised higher prices for at least 28 days in that store, in order for claimed discounts to be considered valid, that kind of thing. I imagine these are mostly mistakes - otherwise that wouldn't be very good PR, would it? - just like the one the eagle-eyed Telegraph reader photographed last week in Tesco: a "2 for £3" shelf-talker, also advertising single purchases at £1.47.... isn't that 'Buy One, Get One Dearer'?
Auntie must be rejoicing at the latest national furore stirred up by one of its erstwhile employees - just when presenters across the network were gritting their teeth and grudgingly reporting on the start up of ITV's ever popular 'I'm a Nonentity', over the brow of the hill comes the cavalry in the lumbering form of - dare I say it - The Dashing White Sergeant! What a relief - now they can report ad infinitum (or should that be ad nauseum?) on their own 'troubles', and take the limelight away from those undeserving low-brow oiks across at Commercial HQ. Wow - and what limelight! There's no brand in the country that could have afforded the airtime budget that the Beeb have splashed on Strictly in the past couple of days - who'd guess we're in the middle of the steepest recession since... the last recession? Neat footwork, Auntie.
Yes - this particular censored expletive confounded us over the weekend, too. An "investigation" by The Sunday Telegraph into the level of swearing in 12A films naturally caught my attention (after all, my favourite joke has to be the primary school alphabet class and the foul-mouthed boy, you know the one: "Dwarf - Miss - dwarf!"). Evidently too many naughty words are sneaking under the radar of the British Board of Film Classification. Given we'd just taken the kids to see Ghost Town, and it appeared in the ST's rogues' gallery, I was intrigued to see which particular cusses had fallen upon their angel ears without me noticing. The answer, apparently, was 2 f***s, 4 s***s, 5 asses (seemingly an 'American-style' swear-word, but not bad enough for the ST to disguise it), plus the one mysterious b***h. Just imagine - some trainspotter sat through 24 hours of films, ticking a checklist for this article! Now, I've always thought I've had quite a talent for swearing (in appropriate company, of course) (second thoughts, delete that space after the word 'in'), but b***h left me scratching my head. B****r, b*****d, b****y, b******g and B******s - yes, I'm fully familiar with all of them and can usually fit them comfortably into a single sentence (especially when doing DIY, or - like this weekend - seeing that Leicester were 2-0 up with 4 minutes to go and assuming the points were safely in the bag). But b***h... hmm? I wondered, should I ask the kids? - no, it would be too embarrassing to admit they might know an expletive that I didn't. This forced me to do the one thing I didn't fancy, which was to read the article itself - I mean, half a page of broadsheet eked out from a tenuous proposition. Eventually, after a couple of attempts, I found the mystery word presented in its 'swearing context', and realised you'd need to be something of a lateral thinker to work this one out at first sight. Is it a swear-word, even? Well, in case it is, I'd better not type it out in full - but all suggestions welcome on a postcard. In the meantime, what's this got to do with my marketing blog? Well, I'm frantically trying to work that out as I'm going along, but I think the moral of the story is that you can't be too careful with the language you use - never assume your reader will understand what you're talking about when you present them with anything resembling a riddle.
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I heard on the radio this morning that as a nation we're facing not only a shortage of nuclear power stations, but also sperm donors. Apparently there's only 300 or so brave souls going about this particular branch of the fission and fusion business. (Cripes, what will the population all look like in a couple of generations? The same, is the answer I'm thinking of.) But it did strike me there's probably a better way of stimulating traffic to the sperm banks than simply by trying to appeal to the Genghis Khan in us (and I understand there IS a bit in just about every one of us!). It used to be that there were only 3 SP mechanics: Free, Win and Save. Not only could we develop a campaign for sperm donation that incorporates all of these (and I'm leaving the creative development to your imagination here), but also we could clearly include the 'new' fourth mechanic, 'Give'. The act of giving is now recognised by the ISP as a valid reward for a consumer, as a result of taking a particular action. So, not only is the mechanic ripe for an outstanding campaign, with a theme like this it really ought to be like falling off a log to recruit 3rd-party co-promoters. Ann Summers springs to mind (and if only we had Holland's liberal retail regime...). Indeed, once you sail down this particular canal, it doesn't take a Biological Scientist to reach the conclusion that there really is an easy way to have would-be donors queueing around the block, around the clock, and that's simply down to a bit of good old (or is it new?) experiential marketing. Again, I leave the executional aspects to your imagination, but it would be based on the sound principles that underpin any good experiential campaign: a bit of theatre, staff that look the part for the task in hand (ahem), appropriate costumes, the correct attitude, wow the customer... come on! ... we can save the human race!
I'm sure you noticed the logo on Scotland jerseys and prominently displayed around Murrayfield's stands this weekend (well, you probably didn't... fair enough)... it was just one word, Murray. Now, the last few weeks I've been banging on about free advertising (and suggesting that, in order to take advantage, firms launch brands called Satnaq, Solace, and Quantum. Somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I admit, but some of these names are already trading). Here was another example, indeed a not insubstantial chunk of marketing expenditure doing the job for, well.... for whom? Having lived in Edinburgh for many years, when I see an ad for 'Murray' I automatically assume it's for the long-established and successful multi-outlet car dealership group, the Murray Motor Co. Well done to them, I thought, for getting behind Scotland. Excellent targeting too, given the rugby audience and the fact that they hold franchises for a number of the more prestigious marques. It was only when browsing the net after the game that I realised it wasn't them. Nope. Instead it was David Murray's (of Rangers renown) Murray International Metals. Except the logos all just said Murray. It does amaze me that things like this slip under the radar. It shouldn't, because I see it time and again. Ah well, any CTN owners reading this - get ready for a run on Murray Mints first thing Sunday morning.
If you collapsed with mirth when the laugh-a-minute Daniel Craig was invited by the laugh-a-minute Jonathan Ross to come up with titles for the next Bond movie, it may have struck you that here was a missed product placement opportunity. I mean, right now two of the most heavily promoted brands in the world must be that mysterious couple, Solace and Quantum. Paid-for and free, they're getting wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling 24/7 coverage. And who benefits? Well, I imagine, firms like Quantum Sports Cars of Devon, or maybe the eponymous recruitment consultancy based up in sunny Edinburgh. Then there's the oxymoronic 'Pub Church' named Solace (yes, Pub Church... it could only be in Cardiff)... or perhaps Solace Podiatry over in Belfast. They must be coining it in. Unimagined levels of publicity and no danger of being confused with Mr Fleming's intended Quantum and Solace - not likely... not when the average shopper's reading age is 11. I'm sure mine's a year or two above that, but I confess I'm challenged to come up with a snappy explanation for either word. Stick them together and you've got a phrase to confound all but the Mensa members in our midst. I'm only surprised more enterprising firms aren't jumping on the bondwagon (sic) and launching a welter of Solace SKUs and quirky Quantum soundalikes. Which brings me back to the title of the next movie. They've no doubt already sold off all the best spots in the screenplay to the big bidders, but surely the most prized position in the 'Bond Street' shop window is name of the movie... hence my initial idea - a poor effort, I agree, inspired entirely by it being a description of what I was doing at the time I started writing this post. But all suggestions welcome, and maybe we can forward the good ones to United Artists and ask for a cut, should the winning deal be struck.
Surely the only mistake Auntie's twin paid-to-be-edgy musketeers have made is to have picked on Manuel? It's rather like declaring you're for the Republic - there's a lot of people out there ready and waiting to smash you over the head with their golden jubilee china teapots. Of course, you have to feel for Andrew Sachs - an incredibly rich and varied acting career and yet the whole world only knows (and loves) him as an incompetent grovelling waiter from Barcelona. But... there's branding for you. As for his two protagonists' brand of humour - who can possibly be surprised at their output? It seemed pretty much on brand to me.
Do people shop at the same time every week? Maybe Sainsbury's know that many of us do. (Certainly they must have an electronic record of my erratic panic-buying.) Whatever... I'm intrigued by their latest scheme to replace plastic bags with little leaflets offering a free weekly text reminder prior to your normal shopping time. I've tried this and it works - at least to the extent that you get a text message imploring you to bring in your old bag (personally, I prefer to shop alone). Obviously the flaw in the hypothesis centres on my opening question: do people shop at the same time? Do they even shop on the same day? ........................................................................................................................................................................... Playing... erm... Devil's Advocate, I'm tempted to wonder whether this is just a vaguely plausible excuse by which to build up a handy database for mobile marketing. How long will it be before the text messages start to include special offers? Actually - I don't think I'd object... although you'd think they'd want to link up with my Nectar card number, so they know what I do and don't buy. Maybe I'm jumping the gun? Still - it will be an interesting one to watch. In the meantime I've set my reminder so it coincides with when I need to put out the wheelie bin each week, so that could prove very handy.
I just discovered I'm the only person in the office who wanders the streets filling in (in thought, if not in actual practice) the missing 'i' in every 'To let' I see. With the current property crunch, and surfeit of signs, this keeps me pretty busy on my travels about town. Today, one of our execs happened to have a similar visual on her desk (not sure why), and I happened to mention the missing i... only to receive blank stares all around. Come off it (I said) - this is a wind up. Surely everyone does this? How can you possibly resist the thought? But no - despite detailed interrogation - it seems only certain creative directors are prey to this 'unnatural' urge. I have to say, for me, it conjured up memories of the Python sketch where the guy called Smoketoomuch responds to the retort "Well, you'd better cut down a little" with the reply "I'm sorry?" ................................................................................................................................................................... It's probably true to say that there's a bell-curve distribution of this trait within the population (and the word-obsessed like me sit on the far right), but I'm sure most people could complete the sentence "Beanz Meanz *****" with little effort. This phenomenon - closure in Gestalt pyschology - is something we all use to train our kids, yet is becoming something of a lost art in the world of marketing communications. Jingles are pooh-poohed as some throwback from the sixties, yet I wonder have adult brains changed any in the intervening decades? Surely not. And in this over-advertised hypercluttered media environment, maybe a few short and sharp taglines are just what's needed. Words are powerful little devils if they're kept lean and hungry, and then unleashed upon the right victims.
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Working in Athens this week (well 'working') I'm struck by the Olympic fashion in which the local SP business has left the once Coe-like Team GB spluttering in its dusty wake. Ok sure we Brits keep winning international awards, but these campaigns are a diminishing minorty sport in which we once held sway, like curling or billiards - they often have little to do with true SALES promotion and are only out there because those involved fancied the idea of having a bit of fun with shareholders' money, rather than doing something effective. To feel the true heartbeat of SP wherever I go I always head for a supermarket - it's an instant yardstick by which to judge the fitness of the indigenous sector. I have to say, the three Greek stores I've visited so far were positively teeming with offers, most notably the thought of 'free withs' and bandeds that once made UK supermarkets a fun place to shop. Now, ruled by a dirty dozen godlike buyers who strike down brave new SKUs with thunderbolts from their biros, the British store is a relative SP desert, bereft of offers that would actually put a consumer in danger of switching brands. Am I being sentimental, or is it just the raki?
I was sitting in McDonald's on Pentonville Road yesterday, minding my own business, when a whopping great banner flew past the window, towed by a helicopter. Reaching for my specs, I was able to make out the logo: SATNAQ. This not being a product I'd heard of (comes with living in the back of beyond, I assumed), I began to speculate on what it actually was. Not surprisingly, my first guess was something to do with satnav - I mean it almost says 'satnav', although surely they wouldn't let a giant typo flap aimlessly around London's grey skies? Ok... with the credit crunch being most commentators' diet of choice right now, my thoughts moved on to finance... the 'NAQ' bit sounding as if it's got some vague connection with those weird US markets. Perhaps it's even a combination of the two? A service that navigates the investor through the turbulent storms threatening to flatten one's strawlike home and leave the piggy bank shivering at the mercy of Mr Wolf. Naw... not that either. So what is SATNAQ? ................................................................................................................................. You probably spotted that I'm being bit a little bit ingenuous here: but the fact is, while the one half of London that bothers to raise its eyes skywards sees an ad for QANTAS, the other half gets regaled with SATNAQ. Quite why the budget didn't stretch to a double-sided, non-see-thru banner I can't imagine. Surely it would be cheaper than having the helicopter fly backwards as well as forwards (if you see what I mean), and certainly kinder on the environment. In the meantime, I'm wondering if some enterprising cockney hasn't come up with a product called SATNAQ, in order to take advantage of the free advertising currently on offer. It would be an interesting test to demonstrate whether advertising really works.
... and brands could learn from it. I think it was Barry McGuigan that coined the word whilst commentating upon a 'discombobulated' Frank Bruno (not a pretty sight), but now I feel it applies to one of the most successful brands of the last few years, New Labour. Its leader may or may not be discombobulated - certainly he isn't if press reports are anything to go by (since you can safely assume the opposite) - but the brand most definitely is. I find it strange that the people at the top of organisations either never paid attention in marketing class at business school, or never pay attention now to the professional marketers they employ. Otherwise you think they would know about discombobulation, and act accordingly. ............................................................................................................................................................... The marketing equivalent, of course, and the thing I'm obtusely alluding to, is the product life cycle. Good old BCG. Like the Ansoff matrix, (not-) Rosser Reeves' USP, Trout & Ries' Positioning, and even - ahem - NEWAIDA, the PLC is as near a law of marketing as it gets. One advantage of being an industry old-stager (very late Baby Boom, I hasten to add), is that you actually have time to see these theories behave in lawlike fashion. Sure as eggs are eggs, products and brands really do come and go. And, to a large extent, they have a life of their own in this regard. The main influence isn't the marketer, but how factors change in the competitive environment. The cleverest thing a marketer can do is to recognise the true stage in the cycle, and the dumbest thing is to try to work against it. ............................................................................................................................................................... At risk of sounding like Alf Garnett, it's been bleeding obvious for a very long time that New Labour have had it - for the time being. Rather than trying to patch holes in the sinking ship - holes that appear at a daily faster rate - they should go down gracefully. Don't waste any effort or resources on the inevitable. (Obviously spend as much as possible and enact as many difficult-to-remove socialist bills in the time remaining.) Abandon ship and paddle to the nearest safe-looking island. Re-group. Build a hut. Suss out the competition. Lay a few traps. Let them fall into them. Bray loudly. Let the jackals of the press get their teeth into fresh flesh. Find a new brand spokesman (possibly even a new brand). Nurture the star. Its time will come. ............................................................................................................................................................... Lots of products and brands I can think of don't do this either, which is even more perplexing.
So - a survey of 10,000 Asda shoppers in SCOTLAND (I emphasize the word Scotland) has revealed a huge majority in favour of booze promotions. Knock me down with a feather. Land of whisky, Tennent's Extra and spiritual home of Buckie, surely there was only ever one eligible choice on the ballot paper? Cor blimey, they'll be voting for full independence next! (And I say this as a fully paid-up resident and 'Yes-Yes' voter.) .............................................................................................................................................. Of course, it's a moot point whether a ban on alcohol promotions will terminate excess consumption, because the commercial reality is that available supplier discounts and 'prohibited' extra-fill will simply be fed into the ongoing price (with a little bit going to pukka branded promotional activity, and maybe a hefty chunk into the retailer's margin. Ker-ching.). In any event, High Street booze is now so cheap that it would take the mother of all price hikes to lift it past its on-trade levels, and I don't notice any shortage of inebriated barflies pouring nightly out onto the streets. .............................................................................................................................................. Luckily for the community, decisions on alcohol promotion and availability are made by politicians and not Asda shoppers, so there's a chance that something might be done to reverse the nation's decline into chronic cirrhosis and street-corner strife, as has been achieved in regard to the latter by the recent under-21 pilot alcohol bans in test districts (although apparently not to be rolled out, despite their immense success). .............................................................................................................................................. However, I detect crocodile tears from Asda when it comes to defending the poor, hard-up shopper, alluding to the credit crunch and tough economic times. Surely everyone knows the best way to save money on alcohol? Don't buy it.
Ian Moore
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Member since: 03 Jun 2008
Last login: 03 Dec 2008
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