No one else is doing this yet, so learn the above pyschology and get all over it like a rash.

In EXACTLY the same way that kidnap victims often end up liking/marrying their captors, a series of furious and intimidating adverts will DEFINITELY ramp up brand loyalty to an unprecedented level.

Imagine a series of posters, internet banners and television ads for Carphone Warehouse which just shouted at you to sit down and put your hands behind your back.

That's step one.

Then comes the dreadful offline experience of being locked in a Carphone Warehouse shop for 36 hours in a tense hostage situation. The staff should reinforce the campaign by repeating the catch-phrase "Sit down and put your hands behind your back!" and not feed you.

That's step two, which is also the last step. If share prices and sales of Nokia and Motorola don't go through the roof I will be astonished. Also briefly rebrand as Carphone WARhouse.

I've already started calling this 'Stocko' advertising, so let's all do that for consistency. There's a LITTLE confusion in my house as my husband has referred to Oxo as 'stocko' since the early 90s. I used to think he was doing a clever word play but I'm not convinced he's not just massively confused. The joke is thin at BEST.

He also calls Bisto 'stocko' too. Sometimes margarine gets called 'storko' and he once said he was 'feeling dead stocko' after going on the pirate ship at Thorpe Park.

There's no reason to it, so don't bother trying.

Don't get stroppy, mardy or terrified because you've never heard the word Converger before. It's new and the 24th of April is the time to start using it.

Here's my step-by-step guide to saving money TODAY with a Converger:

1) Find an advert which is basically looks identical to one you've made.

2) Pay SMALL to have your product mentioned as well at the end of that advert.

3) Refuse to pay for your original advert

Let's look at how this works in the real world:

"Lenor concentrate takes 1,400 lorries off the road. So does Comfort"

Bingo winner!

No-one will notice if you take the Comfort advert off the telly because it's identical in every respect to the Lenor one. The real winner is the environment, but lorry drivers ("truckers") will possess an unbounded fury when the crunch comes.

Anyway, Comfort will have saved £100s by just paying a few pence to have their name tacked seamlessly onto the Lenor advert.  

The next most obvious example of a Converger waiting to happen is getting M&S to team up with the RNLI to advertise value fashion and lighthouse/shipping safety. If you work on either of these adverts, let's all get in a room and start talking NOW.

Woah - the judge and the jury, they all PUT the blame on me. They wouldn't go for my story. They wouldn't hear my PLEEEEE!

Ha ha! I can NOT get Bananaramar out of my head today!

The Boy in the Bubble: Get prawn cocktails on the table NOW!

Graceland: Top up wine/Vimto and clear empty prawn cocktail boats.

I Know What I Know: If you're going up the fondue road, start melting cheese NOW. Everyone else just drink for three minutes.

Gumboots: Serve marmite palette cleansers.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes: Distribution of fondue tridents. Look at everyone's laps for napkin checking. Shepherd's Pie on table. Allow two minutes for looking and smelling - it triggers the slobbering reflex in the brain.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes: You'll need to jump up to put this song on again, but it's a great 'digestion' track, so your bowels will thank you for it during the night.

You Can Call Me Al: See above. Don't let guests concentrate TOO much on digestion or conversation will run dry. Also their faces will put you off your own food. This is where amateur dinners ALWAYS fall foul.

Under African Skies: Buffer zone for seconds and additional gravy. Fondue users should use this time to distribute towels and savlon for any cheese-burns.

Homeless: Stubborn cheese-burns need a damp flannel. Keep one in the fridge for every guest you would rank as cack-handed. Last year I needed FIVE flannels and had to make do with two flannels, a tea-towel, a beach towel and wet doormat. The damp cheddar fumes also condensed badly on the walls, so prepare for this too.

Crazy Love Vol II: Tirrameesoo out NOW. If you're persisting with the fondue route, then bring the jam up to the boil NOW.

That Was Your Mother: Digestion

All Around The World: After-dinner chewing gum.

If you're stuck in the past or stuck in the future and want to be retro, the above scheme can be modified for Neil Diamond's "Hot August Night" live album but ONLY disc 2. Steer clear of disc 1 like it's made of plague.

Adventurous types can try different albums at their own risk and my thumb-rules are to stick to anything with 'Greatest' or 'Hits' in the title. Don't go anywhere near Elkie Brooks - she's a bowel constrictor.

My husband's colon was irreparable after he did a barbeque with "Pearl's a Singer"

I DEFINITELY like 'Belmot, Gamper and Trooput' but I can't find anyone called Gamper (bad start) or Trooput (just as bad continuance) in Dorking, Brockham or Mickleham. You couldn't get me to source staff from Redhill even if you paid me.

If you're determined to put this to the test, pay in cash but do NOT expect it back. I need the money.

Bacon is a red-hot scorcher of a name that's making my monitor sweat just having it on screen. But if you apply the Belmot Client Brainspace Visualiser (BCBV) and put yourself in the mind of a client, you get this process:

"Bacon sounds like a SCORCHING good agency, but can it definitely deliver the ROI bacon?"

Conclusion = allow no room for client-brain doubt. They're not that sharp to begin with.

So if you do the maths, the winner is 'DEFINITELY Bacon'. No-one is ever going to think that 'DEFINITELY Bacon' is going to do anything but deliver a stack of ROI bacon up to the ROOF. Possibly beyond.

I'm still working hard on mission statement (you would not BELIEVE what my pad looks like!), but the best I've got at the moment is:

"When everyone else is zig-zagging like a moron, we DEFINITELY deliver the bacon"

It's obviously punchy but I'm not sure it disparages competitors enough yet.

Do the maths: A1 + A2 = A nationwide rebrand of all Tesco stores to deliver the unique experience of buying veg and frozen goods in 1940s Singapore!

Your immediate reaction will definitely be "This is great, but I haven't got the wit to know how to achieve this". That really doesn't matter - just watch a few of the old videos (I've got most of them on except for five episodes which got taped over with Juliet Bravo, so DON'T ask me for series three) and soak up the power of POW persuasion (POPP).

If YOU were in a prisoner of war camp but had access to 25 aisles of consumer goods, you'd spend like a fool. Now you're shaking the bacon by the hand and calling it by its first name.

Other easy brand levers:

Dixons of Dock Green - all Dixons staff dress like dockers and arrest customers

Midsomerfield Murders - obvious

Burger Kingsley Amis - burgers served by morons DRESSED as intellectuals (cheaper than the other way round)

Herman had a "thing" for Juliet Bravo but I don't know what happened there. I think he might have posted it to the BBC. I never saw it for weeks and the smell went.

I've had to try very hard to forget recently, so DON'T ask me to remember.

Now try and have the same experience watching adverts on TV and you will FAIL. You'll get Domestos bleach next to the beans (dangerous) and Guinness next to pet food (disgusting). It's the visual equivalent of running round Tescos or Budgens with your eyes closed and getting brands shouted in your face by checkout staff - mostly with NO experience of creating diverse media campaigns.

It's not their fault - it's literally not their job.

The confusion gets big when you get adverts for M&S (most expensive of the lot) when you're mentally in Sainsburys (middle-class).

Maths = put adverts for the same things on at the same time to reduce confusion and anger. Here's a rule book to get everyone started:

6am to 9am: Toys, paracetamol

9am to 11am: Kelloggs

11am to 11.15am: Pets

11.15am to 4pm: Anything you get in the freezer section INCLUDING things above the freezers, like Marmite and ketchup

4pm to 6pm: Clothes, cars, fireworks

6pm to 9pm: Burgers, chicken, mince, chops

9pm to 6am: Booze

It's NOT perfect but its a start. Anything else can just be shoved into Channel 5.

If the government starts pointing fingers at scapegoats for nationwide confusion (possible), we'll be in the firing line for the chop.

Ha ha! There's TWO chops in this blog. Can you 'spot' both of them?

Apparently, ITV have been running an amateur smear campaign making slurs on my blogs. If someone from ITV is reading this (95% likely), then shame on you. No wonder Cracker AND Mirren called it a day.

If you're still reading this, I'm DEFINITELY open to having my blogs serialised on "the box" as long as the cash is right (big) and my name is also right (big) in the title AND the credits. Also in any trailers.

Can you imagine me on TV? Ha ha! I'm off to the hairdressers this afternoon in case they want to broadcast something on Saturday night. There's nothing else on.

I've checked.

Whichever side of the fence you sit on, don't let the metaphorical grass grow under your literal feet. Yogurt advertising is DEFINITELY red hot at the moment so jump on the bandwagon and rush out an advert for yogurt quick.

I've been mentally brewing up a killer slogan which will 100% push yogurt down throats, so you can just sit back and wait for the ROI bacon to come out the other end (inevitable) when you broadcast this:

"With our yoghurt, you REAP what you EAT"

In this case, I'm using the word 'reap' to be a metaphor for 'poo comfortably'. 'Eat' is being used in the literal sense of eating yoghurt.

If you don't have any yoghurt clients then the shame egg is on your face.

Here's a HOT five point plan that you can put into action today. Do this.

1) Advertise all graduate positions as if you are a bank and offer WHOPPING salaries but don't deliver them. You can have this template job advert on the house:

"Unknown but astonishingly rich bank needs people to work in it. Your salary will be MASSIVE beyond reason. If you went to Oxford (not Cambridge), turn up on Monday. Everyone else needs to send a letter first."

2) When your top-notch candidates turn up, tell them that they will be working in the marketing department of the "bank" and continue the pretence for the rest of their career. Complete the illusion by chaining their pen to the desk. Also supply a lot of personal loan leaflets in reception. I can REALLY imagine this in my mind. The reception has a few chairs and a computer screen too.

3) Actually pay McDonalds wages but complain bitterly about "the buffoons in Accounts" every month when the payslips don't reflect the sky-high salaries you promised. If anyone queries this, tell them you can't say anything because of Data Protection laws, then fire them. This also works if you want to promise raises, bonuses or paying invoices.

4) Employing a LOT of women means you don't have to pay them as much, so you can employ twice as many. You will need to invest heavily in toilets, but the pay-off is BIG. Fire them before they ask for maternity leave - you will NEVER see the ROI.

5) Create a climate of terror and threat connected to any staff leaving to bolster retention. This DEFINITELY works like gangbusters. Our window cleaner wanted to move to Spain but we keep telling him "You did it and we know about it. If you leave we'll tell EVERYONE". He's been surly and curt since 1997 but the windows are immaculate.

I think that covers everything.

Advice = if you want an answer, make ME you first port of call for great insight and guru knowledge.

I talk to everyone (in the last two days I've spoken with the postman and the woman who hoovers us, so I've DEFINITELY got the common touch), so don't feel awestruck or frightened about asking for my help.

If you think about it logically, you don't get to be President of the Internet AND allowed to have two blogs without being good at "it", so there's your answer without having to do "the maths".

Conclusion = always go to the organ grinder's mouth and cut out the horse.

Smoking answer = Once they're banned, it'll literally be murder to get your hands on any unless you live near a ferry port. Southampton is awash with them.

Does anyone know if I can get money compensation over the misleading title of a TV programme? I've got 60 minutes of video-tape proof that America does NOT have talent.

If anyone has any legal experience for suing, let me know. I do NOT want enthusiastic amateurs or "have-a-go-heroes". This is a job for the pros.

The silver lining is that I've invented a programme called "America's Got Enthusiasm". It's EXACTLY the same show but not liable under the Trades Description Act.

Q: What is no-one touching with a barge pole at the moment?

A: Country and Western music and clothes. Be the first and claim the glory. If it turns into a bandwagon and you jump on it, you'll clothe yourself in the robes of SHAME and it will NOT be my fault.

Here's some practical advice you can implement TODAY to get the beef-jerky (bacon) moseying into town (returning on investment (ROI)):

• ditch all current music on your adverts and replace it with Gareth Brooks and Tammy Wynette
• change your straplines to be more Country and Western eg, "Your M&S" becomes "Your rootin' tootin' M&S".
• If you run out of country phrases, just add a massive YEEEE-HAAAAR to the end of all remaining straplines. It works like "gang-busters".
• if you're a managing director, lead from the front and wear cowboy boots in August. You'll look like a fool for the first three weeks, but kudos will arrive by September so the month-long humiliation will 100% be worth it.
• replace all doors in your agency with swinging saloon doors, like they used to have in the hairdressers on Moores Road in the 80s.
• the Fire Department won't like this AT ALL, so you'll have to keep an eye on the Planning Department. They can't be trusted to be responsible with fire safety.
• you'll also have to stop the Creative Dept from goading the Planners when they find this out.
• if you have to, get someone from Personnel or a receptionist to stand in between them to stop squabbling. It's not ideal but the ROI from the saloon doors will DEFINITELY be worth it. I can just picture them!

Ye-har!

If you've missed this opportunity, do your homework NOW ready for the next book: Rowling churns them out like a factory line of buses = there'll be another one along soon.

I'm pinning my hopes on getting this in the all-important last chapter:

"Hagrid laughed darkly as he served steaming cups of Bovril to everyone using a magic tray. He was laughing because he knew for FACTS that the kids were about to get 100% of their RDA of beef in a tasty drink. Then he got his foot stuck in a bucket and fell over on his face! Ha ha!

'He's a fat idiot but he knows LOTS about nutrition', said Ron, looking up from Victoria Beckham's autobiography 'Learning to Fly'. He'd got it from Amazon where there were 101 new and used copies starting from as little as £0.01.

Just then, Snape ran in bellowing "I've got a voucher for £10 off my next Ocado shop!". Harry pulled his wand out of a pouch and killed Snape along with up to five other characters. Pow-shazoom!

"Remember, it's Budgens for food. Budgens for food", said Harry glaring at everyone with his eyes, which were situated underneath his scar.

Ha ha! If that one makes it in I'll be invoicing BIG time for months. Pot black! I also told the publisher to embed an MP3 of spooky music into the pages to give it atmosphere and make it more Web You.

Also, if the post office don't make their workers dress like this tomorrow, they've literally missed a trick. A magic trick! Ha ha!